


What I've Been Living for All Along

by Crying_ram



Series: Your Love is my Turning Page [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Thaurens is the main ship, Thomas is Sad™
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 06:35:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15042905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crying_ram/pseuds/Crying_ram
Summary: 'That was the problem. He had done nothing wrong, but Thomas felt sick inside, felt unwanted and used whenever John talked about his roommate. He'd grin so beautifully, launch into a story about the other man. Alex did this, Alex did that, Alex didn't like this thing- it was clear Alex was special to him, completed him in a way that Thomas probably never would. From the looks of it, John loved Alex, and Alex seemed to reciprocate, and Thomas was not needed.The only thing John had done wrong was be brilliant, someone everyone fell in love with after simply a word or a glance. '





	What I've Been Living for All Along

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in a day  
> Im sorry  
> At least its not too angsty  
> But it is trash so  
> I listened to Babel by mumford and sons while writing this  
> Title is still from turning page by sleeping at last though lol  
> Kill me

"Just-Hey, listen to me for a second!"John said frantically, following desperately after Thomas. Thomas scoffed, pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes so he wouldn't cry. Last thing he needed to do right now was cry.

He stormed into John's room, grabbing the bag he usually took to the gym and stuffing his belongings in. John stood in the doorway, paralyzed by shock. They both had many items left in each other's homes;John had sketchbooks and scrunchies and paint bottles strewn about in Thomas' house, and Thomas had books and hoodies and a pair of reading glasses John's room. For Thomas to start taking what was his...

"What are you doing?"John asked, voice small and faraway. It sounded wrong, wrong, wrong, but Thomas ignored it, kept shoving his clothes and books into his bag.

"What's it look like? I'm- I'm leaving,"he gritted out, stuttering slightly. Just saying the words hurt him, made him want to dump out the things he'd grabbed and put in his bag so far. He wanted to stay, stay, stay.

"I don't even know what I did wrong!"John practically shouted, exasperated, hands shaking as he pulled at his own hair.

"At least- At least let me know what I did..."

That was the problem. He had done nothing wrong, but Thomas felt sick inside, felt unwanted and used whenever John talked about his roommate. He'd grin so beautifully, launch into a story about the other man. Alex did this, Alex did that, Alex didn't like this thing- it was clear Alex was special to him, completed him in a way that Thomas probably never would. From the looks of it, John loved Alex, and Alex seemed to reciprocate, and Thomas was not needed. The only thing John had done wrong was be brilliant, someone everyone fell in love with after simply a word or a glance.

Thomas didn't say a word in response.

"Fine, then!"John sneered, though his face didn't math his tone. His jaw was clenched, face scrunched up to hold back tears.  
"Just... Just leave,"he muttered, all the sight sinking out of him. John looked smaller than Thomas had ever seen him, torn up and vulnerable.

Thomas dropped his bag in frustration, felt like crying and running away. He looked at John, only saw the image of him leaving in the future. He only barely suppressed a sob.

"How long?" Thomas asked suddenly, trying to keep his voice cool and level, succeeding for the most part. The air was tense around them, felt stiff and too heavy to breathe.

"What are you talking about-?"

"You and your roommate!"Thomas exclaimed, whipping around to face him. John stilled, looked down at the floor with his lower lip trembling.

"This-This is what this is about?"he asked quietly, looking up at Thomas when he received no response. His soulmate refused to look at him, instead focusing a glare on the sweet words John had written just this morning on his skin. John took a tentative step forward, backed away again when Thomas flinched away.

"What do you want me to say? We dated for a couple years."

"How long is a couple years? You've never given me specifics."

"...Three years,"John mumbled, biting his lip. Thomas let out a bitter laugh, clenching his fists at his sides. He took in a shaky breath, crossed his arms over his chest.

"That sure is an awful lot of time."

"Why does it matter? I have you now, and you have me!"John pointed out, voice shrill as he began to pace.

Things had been going well in their relationship. Too well. Of course, it was inevitable that John would mess it up, but he was foolish;he let himself believe that nothing would come between them. They were soulmates, perfect for eachother, and for the most part, they had talked about John's relationship with Alex before.

They had talked about it, and Thomas said it was okay, so what was this?

"But do I really have you?"Thomas fired back, freezing immediately after. John came to a standstill, staring at Thomas with wide eyes. His soulmate's mouth hung open, as if he hadn't meant to let that slip, as if he had never meant for it to slip. John's face softened, brows drawing together in sympathy.

"Thomas..."

"Don't say it,"Thomas said weakly, wiping at his wet eyes. He sniffled softly, turning away from John to try getting himself together.

"Don't say what?"John questioned gently, taking a couple careful steps forward. Thomas shook his head, a small, broken sob tearing its way from his chest. John reached out a hand to comfort him, decided against it when he tensed.

"Don't try to reassure me that I do,"He snapped, turning to John with a glare. He looked angry, but afraid, like he wanted to stop himself but didn't know how. He didn't want to lose John. He didn't want to lose this person he had grown to love so strongly, this person who helped to calm his anxieties, this person who helped him breathe a little easier. But he was going to lose him eventually, wasn't he?

"You say I have you, but do I really? You spent years before I knew you with someone else, building an unbreakable bond, building up on your love. Years, John,"he choked out, cringing when his voice cracked. John wanted to protest, wanted to say that didn't matter, that Thomas was his whole world. Alex was beautiful, was his best friend, but Thomas was everything that he needed in a person. He was patient and kind, was unbelievably affectionate. John kept his mouth shut, though. Whatever Thomas was saying right now, it was clear that it had been building up for a while now. It was important that he let it out.

"How am I supposed to compare to him? He's already had years to know you, to love you, how am I supposed to live up to a person that you willingly chose? I'm your soulmate, fate chose us for each other, but is that really stronger than a bond you have built all on your own?"

The whirlwind in Thomas' heart grew, threatened to sweep him up, suffocate him. He wanted to reach out for John, let himself be held, let John whisper to him until his heartbeat slowed. He couldn't though, not right now, not when he had already started to tear apart their relationship. Not when John might not want him anymore in the first place-

Thomas let out a whimper, shutting his eyes tightly and curling in on himself. He didn't hear John's sharp intake of breath, didn't hear his approaching footsteps. He did, however, feel strong arms wrap around him soundly, felt soft lips press adoring kisses to his closed eyelids.  
Thomas hesitantly opened his eyes, breath catching in his throat at the obvious concern reflected to him in John's eyes. He was silent for a moment, simply holding Thomas, leaning into his touch when Thomas placed a hand on his cheek.

"Remember that first day we ever saw each other in person?"John asked, giving a smile tender enough to make Thomas' heart ache and heal at the same time.

"That seems like so long ago,"He replied, John humming his agreement.

"Only six months ago,"John laughed, nuzzling into Thomas' palm. "Isn't that crazy? It feels like it's been a lifetime."

Thomas snorted at that, a sound that made John's smile widen just a touch.

"Your point?"

"I remember how I felt that day. I was so excited, Thomas. I was finally meeting you, finally meeting the person who managed to capture my heart with essays about architecture, of all things!" John chuckled, and Thomas laughed with despite himself.

"And when I actually saw you, when I held you... It was like everything was brought into focus. My whole life was spent worrying, was spent convinced that no one could actually love me completely..."he trailed off, eyes blinking open and looking far more glassy than Thomas would have liked.

"I had thought... If you really knew me, you wouldn't like who I was,"he mumbled, unshed tears clinging to his lashes. Thomas leaned forward, pressed a delicate kiss to the tip of his nose, smiling when it made John giggle.

"But then I saw you,"John finished, as if that was explanation enough. It was short, but somehow, Thomas understood. He had felt the same way. The way John looked at him... He had never felt so loved, never felt more worthy of being loved.

"Me, too,"Thomas whispered, heart fluttering in his chest. John smiled like stars; incandescent, something that Thomas could wish on, could find comfort in whenever he looked at it. That was John, after all. Thomas never wanted to look at anyone else ever again.

John caught him in a kiss then, soft and chaste. Thomas found he couldn't stop smiling, couldn't stop the heat in his cheeks even if he tried. John seemed to have that effect on him. John bit his lip, tilted his head as if pondering something.

"You know, you can talk to me about this. I'm always eager to give you the reassurance you need. Plus, i love you so much and I would hate for you to think I don't,"he whispered, looking at Thomas with clear adoration. Thomas bit back a large grin, palms growing slightly sweaty from the words. John always knew just what to say to get him flustered.

"I love you,"Thomas sighed, smile soft and lovesick. John grinned with mischief, walked them backwards until the back of his knees hit the bed, falling onto it and pulling Thomas into his lap. They both laughed, bright and clear, kissed until the world narrowed down to just the two of them.

Thomas had been stupid to think they couldn't survive a little fight. They were strong together, were an immovable object. Granted, Thomas should have been honest much earlier on, should have sat down with John instead of letting his insecurities well up and drown him. John loved him.

They were happy in this moment, though. They had fought, had yelled a little, and had come out better for it. They were both sure that nothing could tear the two of them apart, especially not overwhelming honesty or petty arguing.

If a little fighting every now and then was the price Thomas had to pay for this relationship, it was fine by him.

Besides, John was worth fighting for. They were worth fighting for.


End file.
